Wednesday, 23 February 2011

This love stuff, and Joining a gym

 Expect snippets of lyrics to appear in blogs. they're not mine, but they mean something to me, reflect somehow how I'm feeling at the time of writing

Little.. or probably not so little post about love life.

Officially, I'm single, but if I don't fuck it up, I might n Iot be soon.

I've been using plentyoffish to find a new lady. It may only be a couple of months since the last relationship ended, but it feels much longer. In some ways, It almost feels as if it didn't happen. Does that sound bad? oh well, its how I feel.

There was one person who I fell in love with a few years ago, and I can in all honesty say that I wouldn't have had most of the experiences I've had in the past couple of years or made any of the friends had I not met her. She introduced me to Placebo and through that, love amongst ruin and so many wonderful things and people have come from that. Sometimes I wonder if any single person could do that again?

Bringing it back to the present, I've had a bit of luck on the relationship front, after a couple of first dates with people and hearing nothing back I found myself with two lovely ladies genuinely interested, meeting them both, and finding myself in the awkward position of having to choose between them. I think I've chosen, and am meeting her again Sunday. We have agreed that we would like to be together, but not rush into it. I for one don't want to repeat past mistakes of getting to know someone after getting with them.

This I find a bit confusing. As much as I myself don't want to rush things, I also don't want to be wondering when it will become "official" and stop being... maybe, just unspoken. Does that make sense. I don't like not knowing where I stand. Taking things slowly doesn't stop feelings. It doesn't stop my heart from wanting to charge ahead as it always does. I think when we see each other we need to talk about what we both want and expect from a relationship.

Suddenly, I find myself "desirable" and wanted, as well as having to choose between two people, I find I'm being chatted up increasingly often, In Birmingham, In london, on the tube of all places, and today, at home in derby, men walk up to me and start talking to me, flirting, asking if I'm single. Whats changed in me to attract such attention? Its hardly something I should be complaining about. No ones heart is going to bleed, but although its flattering, and its a bit of a confidence boost, it also makes me feel very neurotic. I'm not a big worryer, but I do always worry and wonder what people really think of me. I'm not used to people showing interest, and because of stuff in the past, I always think that when people are nice to me, and show interest in me, that they are taking the piss. I wonder what they really see in them, and I start to tell them all the things that are wrong with me, what they're getting themselves into. To see if they run away. I find myself trying to push people away to see how easily they can be pushed. I wonder how long it will take for them to run.

As much as I really want to find someone, for keeps, someone to share my life with, I get scared when it looks like its going to become a reality. I'm fighting myself and my insecurities, worrying and not wanting to fuck up, hoping I'm doing the right thing, hoping people aren't thinking too badly of me. :-s

I want this to work. But I'm scared.
"Theres only now, theres only here, give in to love, or live in fear."

To the mentionned gym joining, I've just come back from Fitness First on a free day pass, had a good half hours workout. I had a look around LA fitness on Sunday, which looked fab, and going to have a look at virgin active tomorrow. I need a kick up the arse with my weight loss. Only thing is Money and work. In a couple of months, I may not have a job or my hours might be significantly cut. I can't commit to a years contract until I know where I stand. Fitnessfirst had a 6 week no risk try available for £50, but it has no pool. After I've seen all three, I'm going to see what offers I can haggle myself. I'm very impressed by LA fitness, but not by the price of their monthly contract. Virgin active have an 18 to 25 membership, but I hear they're quite expensive. they don't tell you prices and membership in detail without getting you through the door.

*types a line to finish*

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