This love stuff, and Joining a gym

 Expect snippets of lyrics to appear in blogs. they're not mine, but they mean something to me, reflect somehow how I'm feeling at the time of writing

Little.. or probably not so little post about love life.

Officially, I'm single, but if I don't fuck it up, I might n Iot be soon.

I've been using plentyoffish to find a new lady. It may only be a couple of months since the last relationship ended, but it feels much longer. In some ways, It almost feels as if it didn't happen. Does that sound bad? oh well, its how I feel.

There was one person who I fell in love with a few years ago, and I can in all honesty say that I wouldn't have had most of the experiences I've had in the past couple of years or made any of the friends had I not met her. She introduced me to Placebo and through that, love amongst ruin and so many wonderful things and people have come from that. Sometimes I wonder if any single person could do that again?

Bringing it back to the present, I've had a bit of luck on the relationship front, after a couple of first dates with people and hearing nothing back I found myself with two lovely ladies genuinely interested, meeting them both, and finding myself in the awkward position of having to choose between them. I think I've chosen, and am meeting her again Sunday. We have agreed that we would like to be together, but not rush into it. I for one don't want to repeat past mistakes of getting to know someone after getting with them.

This I find a bit confusing. As much as I myself don't want to rush things, I also don't want to be wondering when it will become "official" and stop being... maybe, just unspoken. Does that make sense. I don't like not knowing where I stand. Taking things slowly doesn't stop feelings. It doesn't stop my heart from wanting to charge ahead as it always does. I think when we see each other we need to talk about what we both want and expect from a relationship.

Suddenly, I find myself "desirable" and wanted, as well as having to choose between two people, I find I'm being chatted up increasingly often, In Birmingham, In london, on the tube of all places, and today, at home in derby, men walk up to me and start talking to me, flirting, asking if I'm single. Whats changed in me to attract such attention? Its hardly something I should be complaining about. No ones heart is going to bleed, but although its flattering, and its a bit of a confidence boost, it also makes me feel very neurotic. I'm not a big worryer, but I do always worry and wonder what people really think of me. I'm not used to people showing interest, and because of stuff in the past, I always think that when people are nice to me, and show interest in me, that they are taking the piss. I wonder what they really see in them, and I start to tell them all the things that are wrong with me, what they're getting themselves into. To see if they run away. I find myself trying to push people away to see how easily they can be pushed. I wonder how long it will take for them to run.

As much as I really want to find someone, for keeps, someone to share my life with, I get scared when it looks like its going to become a reality. I'm fighting myself and my insecurities, worrying and not wanting to fuck up, hoping I'm doing the right thing, hoping people aren't thinking too badly of me. :-s

I want this to work. But I'm scared.
"Theres only now, theres only here, give in to love, or live in fear."

To the mentionned gym joining, I've just come back from Fitness First on a free day pass, had a good half hours workout. I had a look around LA fitness on Sunday, which looked fab, and going to have a look at virgin active tomorrow. I need a kick up the arse with my weight loss. Only thing is Money and work. In a couple of months, I may not have a job or my hours might be significantly cut. I can't commit to a years contract until I know where I stand. Fitnessfirst had a 6 week no risk try available for £50, but it has no pool. After I've seen all three, I'm going to see what offers I can haggle myself. I'm very impressed by LA fitness, but not by the price of their monthly contract. Virgin active have an 18 to 25 membership, but I hear they're quite expensive. they don't tell you prices and membership in detail without getting you through the door.

*types a line to finish*

Why??

Why have I started this blog.

Short answer: Self therapy.

Sometimes I just need to express all the thoughts and feelings bouncing around my head. To stop them driving me mental. Ideally, I would take a good friend, or girlfriend and chat it out. Feedback from another person can be amazingly helpful when they say the right things, ask the wright questions and help to work stuff out. It isn't really fair to rely on other people to talk to about the essentially trivial things going on in your life, however un-trivial they seem to you at the time. I end up pushing people away by moaning at them.

I don't want this blog to just be a space to moan, I want it to be a place to celebrate, review gigs, events...

I might have said girlfriend soon the way things are looking... I wonder if my expectations of people are too high... I'm too picky... maybe I moan too much, for someone who considers herself to be positive.

Right now, I'm watching one born every minute.

I'd like to share this piece of brilliance to end, from Fast and Loose. I love this show. its a lot like Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Started blogging

First Blog, Doubt I will keep it up, with all the will in the world, I simply do not have the motivation. I do wonder who might read the day to day life of an average human being, but other people seem interesting enough to follow, so maybe I am too.

I hope this will be a space where I will be honest... no matter who reads.. I doubt that a bit.

I'm tired right now. I don't know why. Didn't exactly get up early, its a sunday. I went to have a look round LA fitness. Maybe looking at it wore me out :D.  Too expensive. I do need a kick up the bum to lose this last stone though. Going to have a look at fitness first next. I would just go to my local leisure centre. But I did work there and they treated me like crap, so I don't really want to.

I'm excited for the future. Love life might be going somewhere. Met someone and we both want to work towards being in a relationship. Slowly, not rushing in. Made that mistake in my last relationship. We were together before we got to know each other. No wonder it ended. Wish I didn't feel so bitter about it. I don't want to. Can't say I felt as much as I thought I did at the time. Its amazing how a relationship 5 years ago, that lasted 3 weeks and took 3 years to get over had more impact on my life than a 4 month relationship. It almost feels as if it never really happened. Yet, with the 3 week gal I mentionned, I can honestly say I wouldn't be where I was in life now had I not met her. Life would be totally different. :)

Thats my heart opened enough for tonight. Enough rambling.
Night x